Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize