I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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