who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
