I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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