Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
