Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
