I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
