If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
