Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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