I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
