A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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