My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
