Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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