The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
