No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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