Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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