just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
