It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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