not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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