I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh god it's open bar.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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