she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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