So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
