you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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