Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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