I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
