getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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