It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
