Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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