I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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