I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
