somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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