here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
