Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
