It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
