You made me cry and you don't even care
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
