She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
