After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
