It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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