I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
