Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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