The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
did i walk over a car last night?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
