I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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