Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
