i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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