Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
