I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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