I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This toilet bowl is my home.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
