I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
