I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
