This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize
