Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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