Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize