1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize