i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
