He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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