it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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