You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
