I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
