love makes seman taste better
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
