My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
