I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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