A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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