Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
